The world feels so heavy and I still don’t know how love feels like

By: Victoria Diaz

I am trapped by seasonal writing. I can't help but write according to the seasons and it’s a new year and hope hasn’t left me yet. 

I have done the vision boards. I have written my goals. I have made a plan and yet I don’t know anything. 

Time is something I can feel on my skin… touching me. I can feel the seconds go by like the drops of water on my back when I shower. I can feel the weight of everything I’m doing and not doing. I can feel the seconds slipping through my fingers. Trying to get away from me. I can feel my own head on its way of exploding and yet… nothing happens. The world stays out there and I’m… I am stuck on time. The sun still comes out in the morning and I am still there. 

I am stuck trying to feel an ounce of freedom, trying to feel like I did when I was a child. When I was careless. When I was alive. When I could go on without thinking about time breathing on my neck. When I wasn’t aware of everyone's expectations and how much of them I can carry on. When I ignored that to live the life I want I might have to disappoint some people I care about.  

And I am not still sure if I am a full person yet and how will I know if I ever am. 

And as all these thoughts cross my mind in the middle of the day I still wonder what it’s like to fall in love and I wonder if I will be able to love a boy like I love the stars at night.